I had fallen asleep around 2:30 in the morning, after the flounder of a second date with fish, but was wide awake by 6. Around 8:30 I heard my phone ding. I had dropped my phone in a Dairy Queen parking lot earlier in the week and had a Genius Bar appointment around lunch to replace the glass. The morning was supposed to include breakfast/brunch with fish first, the operative words here are “supposed to”. What you’re about to read is the verbatim text message exchange that I caused me to entirely emotionally check out with fish:
Fish: omg your screen. 3 hours til fixaroo
Me: Yeaaa. Just doing my hair. U readying?
Fish: I was thinking about it … starting to get bored laying here for the last 40 minutes
Fish sent me a yelp review of a local greasy spoon saying it looked good. I told him I’d been there and the coffee was delicious (it literally tastes like bacon grease is mixed in).
Fish: If u just slept over everything woulda been so much easier.
Me: Ur cute. Get ready.
Fish: Whats the plan.
Me: I’m almost ready. Lets go.
Me: Breakfast. At that spot.
Fish: I dont even have a coffee in me yet. 😦
Me: They have coffee there.
25 minutes went by … twenty … five … minutes.
Me: Are you ready yet?
Fish: Prit near just have a coffee watching sports
Me: If you don’t wanna go it’s aiite.
Fish: I’m not amped to but I would. If we’re being honest haha
Me: Thats alright!
Fish: If u were already here wed already be waiting at a table
Fish: Thatll bug me for weeks lol
So I told him the truth:
Me: I don’t know what to say. I assumed when you said “you can leave” you meant you wanted me to. So I did.
Fish: Kicking a girl out of bed you crazzzy.
Me: Well we don’t know each other super well.
Fish: I know you. (Uh, no you really don’t.) It’s good though! I’m not actually upset.
At this point I had already ended up on the patio of a Starbucks and was sipping a passion tea, with the warm summer sun kissing my face as my inspiration to be a little nicer than I wanted to be. Fish continued to text me incessantly about complete and utter bullshit like how he’s watching tennis, my favourite (it’s not but ok) and then he circled back:
Fish: If ur set on going out for brekky im down
Me: I can find something else to do, its aiite.
Fish: Lol that doesnt sound cool
Me: It’s all good! Enjoy your am!
Fish: Ur so angry at me
Me: I’m not promise! Its your weekend, you gotta do what you wanna do!
Fish: Is that so
I waited almost half an hour before sending this, I wasn’t going to reply but I thought he deserved the truth for what it was worth anyway:
Me: If you’re upset I didn’t stay just know I wanted to and I would. Mid week even if thats what you want (he’d asked me to before). But you need to be super direct with me otherwise I’ll second guess it and bail. We haven’t talked at all about what we’re looking for from each other which is going to make things uncertain.
Fish: Oh I’m not upset and all understandable
Me: Today felt like a blow off. Which is ok if it is. Just say so.
Fish: Its not i just was tired a hour ago now Im fine. Can still go out. Or ill just making something. My stomach is still growling.
In my head, my truth was: Go fuck yourself maybe?
The truth is I wasn’t mad at all that he bailed on breakfast – I was mad about the communication, or lack there of. He sent me a yelp review which to me implied his intent to go, I told him I was getting ready which showed my intent to go. But somewhere in those texts – he changed his mind and that was the only thing I cared about … that he wasted my time. Twenty minutes is nineteen too many, sorry. As he continued to text my phone he threw around the idea of us going for breakfast yet again, “quickly” before my appointment. I told him I was already at a Starbucks, some other time, and that shortly I’d be out of reach. He told me it was “dumb” that I was taking the genius bar appointment time so seriously (um ok, truthfully, again, fuck your opinion of how I spend my time, bud) and then he said:
Fish: Well I dont want to make u late!! I promise we can hang out anytime! Super didnt try ditching you today I tend to be lazy in the morning without a coffee at least. U were up and attem too early. Cuz youd be totally off if you think i dont want to see you again. Ur awesome! You have no worries atm. (It’s um, cute, that he thinks I’d worry about whether or not he likes me after all this.) Id like to do all kinds of activities with you.
Me: Fair enough. Just be direct with me. My instinct is to bolt. I’m working on it but it’s still a thing I do. And make a list on your phone.
He continued to text me, asking if I was interested in a meteor shower Sunday. I told him my daughter was coming back Sunday am from her fathers so I was unavailable. I was attending a BBQ later in the evening, and fish was going to be with his friends so no plans on the horizon with him made sense. He did ask me something I wasn’t expecting before I said goodbye – he asked about my ex.
Now listen, my ex is tall and handsome, with a big beard and thick head of hair. He basically has all the physical features guys would be insecure about but honestly, no amount of him being a good dad or good looking ever made up for his shortcomings: respect, compassion and honesty. I’m literally looking for everything that he was not and I couldn’t care less about everything that he was. Fish creeped my ex on social media that afternoon – I didn’t care. Fish would’ve seen photos of me at 195lbs – I didn’t care. The truth is, if you ask me a question – I’ll do my damnedest to be honest – no matter what it costs me. Another truth is though that later that night – I would make a choice that certainly felt like a lie.
I had gone about my business: got my phone screen fixed, had lunch in the quaint little hamlet just outside of town, and was wrapping up at the BBQ with my cousins when my phone went off but this time, it wasn’t fish, it was a guy I call gosling/elf/LB/green and workguy, because, yes, I work with him (yes that’s bad I know). I had this to say about him in the 4. fish blog:
Guys you’re “talking to” will assume you’re banging your guy friends, so just keep that shit under wraps especially if, like me, you are in fact banging your guy friends. (I can’t wait to write the blogs about one of my best friends – a guy who nicknamed himself LB – its short for little bitch. We lowkey ruin each others lives – it’s a good time.
To summarize LB: He’s one of my best friends. We work together, we go out for lunch and we text all day daily. We are each others confidant’s in ways that we don’t let anyone else in. We know each others greatest fears, insecurities and wishes. But we cross boundaries, we sext, we get jealous, and when we’re really stupid, we sleep together. But in a lot of unconventional ways I love him. I might’ve loved him the day I met him. We know it’s impermanent; circumstance and us finding real love will end how we are with one another. So when the bell tolls (my phone dings), and its him, I have to go. He and I have always been running on borrowed time.
So when my phone dinged a few times as I stood around a backyard BBQ, I looked down to see two texts: one text from fish, who’d blown me off for breakfast and one text from my LB/gosling, whom I hadn’t spoken to in two weeks. I’ll end this blog here and let you guess who sent which:
“Id let u just pick me up! Its fun but I have mimi fever.”
“I need you.”
… and then I made a choice. And then I told a lie. But that’s another story. Until next time.