Just shy of a full month would pass before I would see fish again after our romp in the parking lot of a movie theater. During that month the end of the brief nothing I had with a guy I call eight occured. I was confused as to what I had done to turn eight off – but I knew that knowing whatever it was wouldn’t help me as much as the experience of walking away from something that was making me question my self worth. Fish and I had kept loosely in touch over text message, neither of us suggesting firm plans.
One Friday, ding, fish texted me, clearly drunk, suggesting once again that he’d “let me pick him up” from the party he was at. It was 11:30pm and I said, “I’m in my pjs but if you need a ride I will come.” As I got in the car my phone dinged again. He’d already paid for a cab and was en route home, and that he’d leave the front door unlocked. I remember something nagged at me – a feeling like I should check on him – and sure enough, when I walked up his porch, the door wasn’t fully latched. I proceeded into his darkened town-home, announcing my arrival “Fish?” several times and found him lying in bed fully clothed on his back in a stupor. He mumbled out “You came! Will you tuck me in?” I laughed, his eyes are totally closed and his face is smiling like a small child who just ate a melted chocolate bar, totally satisfied. I walked around to his side of the bed and yanked the covers up over him. I remember asking if he even knew who was there – that scared him – his eyes shot open for a second – and then closed slowly, “Of course I did.” He asked me to stay the night and I told him I would not but agreed to chat a few minutes and asked him about his night. Eventually I asked him to hand me his phone and, with eyes still closed, he dug around the blankets and held it out for me. “Why?” he asked and I told him “I want to delete the messages where you ask me to come here, and I agree, so that in the morning you sort of remember someone was here – but there’s no proof of whom.” And this is where fish said something, he probably doesn’t remember, but I do and will, “If you want to, but don’t you dare delete the rest, I like reading them.” I handed his phone back with all messages intact and told him to sleep well and that I’d lock the door on my way out.
On Saturday he complained that because I didn’t stay over, he was rideless to his car and horny. I responded with “I’m not your sex taxi.” *shrug*
On Sunday we had an interesting chat that I would come to find out this conversation happened when he had drank all day by the lake, spelling errors intact:
Fish: If she’s down lets do a restaurant this weejk
Me: How was the rest of your weekend?
Fish: I ended up doing thr lake it was fun
Me: Oh good! Chilling like a villain or fish?
Fish: I always just think of u though, so when ur not around everythings less fun. I need u by my side more
Me: .. we can do dinner. You’re not seriousss about the rest.
Fish: I have a serious crush ya. Likability is high
Me: You’re lovely stop.
Fish: Dinners a start! We gotta find a new place.
There’s one other conversation that stands out mid week, fish commented on how when he first met me I didn’t go to the gym, and now I go all the time. I told him a very basic backstory of how my ex told me that (at 128 lbs and 5’5″) I was heavier than girls he normally dated, while he was in the midst of cheating on me with a pregnant girl. Fish didn’t have a lot of questions, he just told me how mean he thought that was, and that it’s good that I’m back at it:
Me: Yeah well, I’m athletic and built curvy, I won’t ever be crazy thin, but I’m all about pushing myself right now. Fuck everything else.
Me: Why ouch?
Fish: Just the way that comes out like fuck you to me
Me: No not at all.
Here’s that emotional eject button again: I’d been feeling, despite knowing fish was extremely shy without alcohol, that the frequency of his drunk texts must mean that he didn’t take me that serious in the context of romance.
Me: You’re mostly direct with me. I have zero complaints. But you already know how to be independent – I’m having to learn it, from scratch, at 32. I’ve always been somebody’s girlfriend. My entire life.
Fish: Yea independence is my thing. I dont like help.
Me: Youre a solid guy, fish. I hope you find exactly what you’re looking for in a girl.
Fish: You got some of that stuff I bet.
Me: Some maybe. But not all I don’t think.
Fish: U never know.
Me: I think so long as we’re honest we’re good. Like you don’t need to say you have a crush on me for me to spend time with you. I’m not that sentimental.
Fish: Believe me or not but I do! Dont sell urself short
Me: I’m not. I’m a catch. But I’m not in the right mind frame to be caught. If that makes sense.
Fish: Whatever ur feeling thats fine.
I told him that one day I wanted to sit down with him and talk about what datings been like for him. (We can all know here that I asked for that because I’d like to know other viewpoints to help with writing this blog.) But fish didn’t know what to make of this request, he settled on telling me that “I dont gf up right away. I dont know it scares me or something.”
We spent another week texting the way we do. Or did. I don’t know. Work, gym, social calendars, my oil change, and he let me know I could call him if I ever got a flat tire, he’s really good at changing them. (What?) We continued to try and find a day to do the “dinner” which was going to turn into a lunch at an upscale cafe (spoiler alert, were weeks away from being able to sync up schedules.)
But the following weekend on a Friday night, like clockwork, he asks me to pick him up yet again from a pub uptown, but this time I decline and tell him to carry on with his adventure in my honour. When Saturday afternoon rolled around, when we intended on doing the lunch together, he asked if I wanted to come with him to a housewarming party for one of his friends (his way of rescheduling our date without my input, who knows).
Let’s finish this blog here – what’s in a
name title – would a fish by any other name smell as sweet?
Fish: U wanna go to a housewarming party? Tm works dandy too
Me: Pass on the party. Lemme know what time tomorrow then!
Fish: U dont like meeting new peeps and that? Ull hafta come out with me sometime
Me: Its not that persay? Context of introducing me might be awks?
Fish: Girl im seeing doesn’t work?
Me: Never thought about it.
Fish: Nott dating yet but seems close. But u said ur not ready for anything which is fine too
Me: Yea? Makes sense I guess! True about my readiness. I wonder if I’m emotionally defunct sometimes lol.
Fish: Its cool. I like where were at. A pretty gal I like to hang with and can do any activity with.
Me: Me too! 🙂 You only spook me 10%
Fish: How do I lower it to 2%
Me: Keep doing what you’re doing I guess? Most dudes spook me 99%. You’re pacing me well. When people come on too strong it makes me think they’re up to something fucky.
Fish: Lol yaa im crushing hard but ill keep it to myself.
Me: Good plan cuz it’s spookin season 🎃
Fish: Lol ur cute